I just spent about an hour going through old Facebook albums, looking at photos of me and my friends…some who are now strangers, some who I still know. But what I couldn’t stop looking at was myself.
This evening I realized that for almost the past 8 years of my life (I’m 23) that I have never been happy with myself. I have never been who I wanted to be. I’ve allowed myself to always settle for less than the best. I have never made my own mark.
I have never been the thin, fit person that I imagine myself being. I have never strived to achieve anywhere above average intelligence. I have never spent the time in the morning to look the way I want to look and deserve to look before I walk out of my front door. And why? Why have I let myself live as a less than half-assed version of my best for almost a decade? When did I plan on turning things around?
Then I took a look at the role models I had growing up. My dad was great, hard working, very much himself but never pushed that on to me. We always got along best but I never tried to be like him. So I looked at my mother. Someone I have never gotten along with, never respected, never taken seriously. She made plenty of sacrifices to help me succeed but I don’t feel as though I have succeeded at anything. I have allowed myself to live a comfortable, average life of half-happiness. My main female role model essentially taught me to be okay with just being okay. This woman never taught me self confidence because she has none herself. I didn’t learn to persevere from her because she gives up so easily. But I did learn that giving up and settling for average is OKAY. But what I am realizing tonight, is that its not.
I’m still so far from the person that I want to become, but it’s never too late to start. I’m not cool with being fat or going out in public looking like a lazy bum. I’m no longer ok with under achieving. I need to step the fuck up and be the woman that I was never ever taught to be. I’m not going to allow myself to keep failing at being me.
I’m sure no body probably reads this, but that’s OK. Its 1:17 am and I needed to get this of my chest and out of my head. I need to make some changes because I don’t want to be who I was when I was a freshman in high school.